On to Lisbon...(a day of CF)

Written by  Wednesday, 18 June 2014 21:55
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We woke last night to the sound of crickets chirruping, and then this morning to the intense buzzing of bees or wasps in the tree above our tent. (Note to anyone wanting to open a camp-site, the ground needs to be soft enough for tent pegs, and shade providing trees are excellent, but not too much wildlife though please!)

I jumped up early, showered and dressed. This is when the fog descended. Sometimes I feel like I'm living through toffee, or candy floss. This morning it involved staring at the moisturiser I put on every morning to reduce the effect of the layers of suntan lotion on my already spotty face. I couldn't decide whether or not to put it on yet. This is quite a regular feeling for me.

Decisions about breakfast were equally difficult. I have (maybe, if you believe in it) M.E or CFS (chronic fatigue) it ruled my life for a long time while I was trying to finish uni, but not it's just a feeling of vagueness I can normally control. I know where my limits are, and when to stop.

I don't know if I'm physically tired, or just mentally. Stress kicks it off some days, but this morning probably just the last few weeks sleeping on a thermarest and being woken by bees, dogs, mosques, donkeys, dreams/hallucinations about mosquitoes. Anyway, while 'snap out of it' is not a phrase I like, I managed to.

Being invisible it's not easy for other people to understand, and I'm not great at communicating what's happening in my head. Fortunately Zane is pretty good, and patient. (Unlike men from my past) and I guess I'm getting better at communicating too.

It's obvious to me, I can feel it, it's physical and consuming for me, but no one else can see it or feel it, and that's hard to understand.

Breakfast has been porridge with jam since we ran out of golden syrup a few weeks ago. Zane was cooking the porridge, but it's like I can't remember what I'm supposed to do to help. I have to stop and think about it. Getting the bowls out, getting cutlery, everyday tasks. Putting the coffee in my cup for when the kettle boils.

I have to think hard to remember. My brain is content to sit and stare at the flame, or the floor, or watch Zane work. It's not the first day it's affected me, just the first day I've tried to find the words to explain.

We had a short day to Lisbon planned. Rode the just under 200km, stopping for loo breaks, Lidl, and lunch, and arrived about 3pm. Focusing was not as easy as normal today. Riding my bike is the one thing that normally pulls me out of it. Indecision is not an option. Though today I did catch my mind wandering, not good.

Fortunately the camp-site had signs, hell, it had it's own junction off a fairly major road! So we found it with relative ease. It's the most expensive so far, but it's the only one we found close to the city, and we don't have to leave until 7pm tomorrow. That should give us time for sightseeing! Now we just need to decide whether to go in to town this evening, or leave it until tomorrow.

As it's 6pm, and I'm still here writing, we're probably going nowhere tonight.